[Two Pronged] What to do with a toxic boss

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. 

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer,

I work for a law firm abroad. A few days ago, the director that I work for suddenly called me to see her in a coffee shop down our office building. She started: “It’s good we get to talk because this morning, I didn’t like your reply.”

Clueless about what part she was talking about, I asked: “I’m sorry, which message?” She replied: “I asked you if you can do the tasks and you should have said you can’t.”

I had sent her a reply to her message, which said: “If you want to come to work at 11 am, it’s fine… I just need the tasks done by 10 am.“

My reply was “I’m already in the office, working on it.”

She assumed I had an attitude 1.) for not saying I can’t do it and 2) For making her feel that I wasn’t thankful for her offering to come to work at 11am. 

I then said: “I sincerely apologize if I made you feel that way and if my text messages meant something else. I was actually up 7 am today so I can prepare to do the tasks.”

She shouted: “Don’t tell me you are up at 7 am, I was up at 4. You are not the only one! I am your boss and you should not talk to me like that.”

I know it’s hard to get another job during this pandemic, that I’m not perfect, sometimes I would kinda intimidate others, but I’ve been working with her for 3 years. I’m always patient when she has episodes being rude and mental. Mental in a sense that she would make you do things just coz (trigger happy) like create a problem that is not there or force you to do impossible things for work. 

This is not the first time she acts like crazy and mental. 

She’s unable to handle pressure. Her initial reaction is to freak out from anything and everything. She needs a shock absorber for, maybe, the shit that she gets from higher bosses. 

Does this kind of person have psychosis? When I joined our law firm, most employers warned me about her mental problems. No one has worked for her longer than I did. 

Paula

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Dear Paula,

Thank you for your message.

From the beginning of time, the powerful have been tempted to abuse the weak, and many have succumbed to this temptation. Indeed, it has many times been considered part of the job. In the context of the modern workplace, where hierarchy is generally the rule, the line between giving legitimate orders and harassment, sexual or otherwise, can sometimes be difficult to determine as it can be a gradual process, much like grooming children. 

Of course, behavior has to be contextualized. Are there laws to protect the weak? Are these laws actually enforced within the workplace or in the local courts? Does society truly frown upon this type of behavior or is it merely paying lip service?

In your particular case, it seems you have three possibilities.

First, you can consider your firm’s internal procedures for cases of harassment. Typically these do not favor the subordinate over the boss but if you can accumulate sufficient evidence from your co-workers then you may prevail. Whether your co-workers are willing to formalize their gossip about your boss’s problems is another matter.

Your second option is to request a transfer within the organization, on the assumption that you wish to remain there while your third, if you find the atmosphere too toxic, is to leave the firm altogether and get another job.

As to whether your boss is psychotic or otherwise psychologically challenged, does this really matter? Your firm is happy enough to employ her after all. It might be an issue if you were to go to court but then you would require an opinion from someone who hasmthe opportunity to analyze her in person. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Paula,

Thank you very much for your letter. First of all, it is impossible to guarantee a person is psychotic without even having met them personally. Any mental health professional who claims they can do so is either lying, has no ethics, or both. I wouldn’t trust such people as far as I could throw them.  

Psychosis can have many symptoms. The symptoms most people are familiar with and often shown in movies, etc. are the “positive” ones. These include changes in thoughts and feelings that are “added on” to a person’s experiences: these can be hallucinations (hearing, seeing and/or tasting things that are not actually there) and/or  delusions (firmly holding false beliefs inconsistent with one’s culture and despite reasonable proof to the contrary, that cannot be shaken). 

However, psychosis can also include “negative” symptoms; behaviors that are “taken away” or reduced, thus reflecting a decrease in, or loss of, normal functions. 

Allow me to give you a few examples, since these symptoms are not as “obvious” and require careful assessment. Some clinicians also say they are not easy to detect; in my clinical experience, they actually are. It is just that family members are loathe to think of the implications of negative symptoms, whereas friends do not want to seem judgmental, hypervigilant, or alarmist should they bring them up with the family. They include: flat affect (inexpressive faces), general reduction in speech, few gestures, lowered levels of motivation, lowered interest in people, lowered ability to initiate tasks or come up with ideas.

Your boss’s behavior sounds defensive, highly unreasonable, even toxic. However, I doubt you could convince anyone she is psychotic. If you are looking for solutions (and I don’t blame you for doing so) I strongly suggest considering one of Mr Baer’s three suggestions.

My heart goes out to you. It is terrible to work for a horrible boss, even if, as you say, it is difficult to find other work during the pandemic. If kapit lang (just hold on till you find a better solution), then kapit lang is another suggestion you might consider.

All the best, 

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.