[Two Pronged] Is this young love or lust?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am just a 17 year old man, with a 16 year old girlfriend. This isn’t some kind of typical problem that most couples address, but we are quite a bit naughty.

I proclaimed my love for her, both ourselves opened up that we have hidden sexual desires. She really wants to explore herself sexually. I can provide excitement, pleasure and intimacy.

Some of our talks have sexual connotations, hidden meanings. We enjoy them very often. It’s our way of bonding. But we have fun, casual conversations and also serious talks about ourselves.

We often do mutual masturbation on video call. 

Due to the pandemic and also we don’t want unwanted pregnancy, “distance sex” prevents it from happening. 

We also understand the risks that we’re into, but we do it anyway.

We rarely see each other personally, due to the pandemic. 

We hug, kiss, talk, and have fun. I really can’t take her on a date outside her home due to risks of COVID-19. I care for her, and I love her, we want to avoid crowds.

But after those wholesome things, we get in sexually, she lets me touch her breasts. This shocked me, of course. I sometimes touch her down there. We get excited, horny and wild. But we don’t allow ourselves to go too far and have sex.

It’s both our first time having these sexual encounters, so there’s no risks for STDs. I am actually worried about our relationship as I think it moves on the sexual part too much. I want to control my sexual urges.

We both feel guilty that we’re doing these kinds of things. Society says it is taboo. Also, she’s worried that doing these things might make her a “whore” or a “slut.”

But I always assure her that we just want to express ourselves sexually to each other, that it is our way to express our intense love and desire.

Is it bad to share such intense sexual intimacy? Would reducing our sexual encounters affect our relationship? How can we improve our relationship to make it much better? Is this love or just lust?

Honestly, I am really confused and badly need advice. I am shy to tell anyone because they might judge us, or even try to break us apart. I don’t want that to happen, I can’t afford to lose her.

Bob

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Dear Bob,

Thank you for your email.

Leaving aside any religious dimension, since you have not raised this issue at all, sex is like many other things in life (learning to drive a car, learning to cook etc.) in that generally one becomes more proficient through practice.

When you should start is very much a matter of opportunity and your personal circumstances. In your case, you have started young but very responsibly as you are extremely conscious of risks such as pregnancy and STDs. Others have been less aware, as the thousands of teenage pregnancies each year attest. Indeed, the Philippine Statistics Authority reported in 2017 that almost 10% of 15-19 year old girls became pregnant.

Whether your behavior is taboo and makes your girlfriend a slut or whore is very much in the eye of the beholder, depending on the degree of conservatism or liberalism. 

Certainly a liberal view, taking into account the care you take of each other’s affection and wellbeing, would be that your relationship shows a maturity beyond your years. Of course a bible-thumping believer might take a different view, so it all depends on the environment in which you live. When in doubt, discretion should be the watchword.

As to your questions:

Is it bad to share such intense sexual intimacy? No, it is not; it is natural.

Would reducing our sexual encounters affect our relationship? Given that you rarely see each other, any further reduction would not be beneficial.

How can we improve our relationship to make it much better? More of the same seems the way to go.

Is this love or just lust? It sounds like love, but only time will tell.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Bob,

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr Baer answered all your questions in his penultimate paragraph. I agree with everything except for his last answer that “Only time will tell,” implying that love is not love unless it lasts a long time/a life time. 

I agree much more with Dr Ethel Spector Person, M.D. , author of Dreams of Love and Other Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion (1988).  I will never forget this line which I have paraphrased (hopefully accurately) and use in my clinical practice quite often: “Romantic love has the power to unlock the soul. We minimize romantic love (which is what I think you and your girlfriend feel for each other) by saying it isn’t really love if it doesn’t last a lifetime. What we should look at is, if your love has the power to unlock your souls and give you the courage to do things you never had the courage to do before.” 

In addition, it feels somehow age-ist to presume people of 16 or 17 are incapable of deep emotion and thus of love, but only of lust. 

Research has shown that stereotypes of older people can harm older people, and I am sure that, in time, they will also do research that shows that stereotypes such as people as young as you are incapable of a selfless, mature love can also harm other people your age.

I am not saying go for broke: Be fuck buddies (or fuck lovers) because sexual intercourse can have such powerful repercussions which, especially during this time of the pandemic may be difficult to navigate, but do not agree with the age-ist stereotype that all you can experience is lust. 

Wishing you and your girlfriend the very best of luck in love and lust,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.