[Bodymind] Do mothers really know best?

The month of May always makes me sad. May is when commercial establishments pressure you to make Mother’s Day a real special day for that “angel” sent down to watch over you when God couldn’t do it himself.

 

Except it isn’t true, is it? 

 

In fact, for some mothers, the opposite of angels might be a more accurate description.

 

I can guess what you’re thinking: “You’re right, Dr. Holmes.” [ahhh, music to my ears – joke] “There are drug addict and alcoholic moms, moms who actually physically and sexually abuse their kids or enable their partners to do so.”

 

And yes, you too would be right.  These mothers can blight their children’s lives, both when they are growing up and as adults.  But the mothers I will focus on in this article are mothers who seem like “good enough” mothers but actually contribute to their children’s emotional and psychological vulnerabilities. I am talking about the more insidious form of “bad mothering” that others do not notice and the children themselves may not be conscious of, the kind that leaves children feeling bad about themselves and/or thinking they are without an ally in an unpredictable world.

 

EXAMPLE 1:  A slim mother who prides herself on her looks constantly demolishes any possibility that her overweight daughter will develop a healthy self-esteem. The mom does this by “little jokes” that express disappointment that her daughter isn’t as beautiful as she, encouraging her friends to claim the same thing “mana sa tatay hindi sa iyo” (takes after her father, not you). The daughter becomes extremely self-conscious about being fat, so lacking in confidence that she doesn’t even put any effort into her appearance. Well, whose fault is that really, I ask?

 

EXAMPLE 2:  A mother is bitter because she feels her husband is the cause of all her sorrow.  So she wreaks her revenge by getting the children to hate him, nagging her sons not to be like him and her daughters not to marry men like him.  And yet, their father is half of who they are and constantly belittling him is, in effect, belittling half of who they are.  Some mothers, even when made aware of the possible problems badmouthing might cause her children later on, still refuse to stop, making excuses that she just “can’t help herself”  or that she is only teaching them something they have to learn to get along in life. 

 

EXAMPLE 3:  Daughters who have never been married or who go back to their parents’ house after separating from their spouses.  Their mothers look forward to having someone take care of them in their old age and choose this particular daughter to do so. Her siblings agree because it gets them off the hook.

 

What happens then?  Anytime a potential suitor comes courting, her mother has nothing but bad things to say about him and even sabotages their dates, insisting her 46-year old daughter gets home by 10 pm or she will be locked out of the house.

 

The damage such mothers cause can be irreparable and yet hardly anyone raises a fuss.  

 

The perceived wisdom, judging from the outpouring of myriad Hallmark-inspired examples of selfless love of mothers for their children, is that all mothers, having nurtured their children from birth to adulthood in a spirit of total self-abnegation, automatically deserve the unconditional adoration of their children for the rest of their lives.

Example 1: “Your mother wants you to follow your dreams so you can reach the same ones she gave up for you.”

Reaction: Puh-leese. Talk about guilt trips!

Example 2: “MOTHERS” are proof that angels do exist.

Unfortunately, not everybody has the good fortune to enjoy this type of five star parenting. Anyone with an iota of common sense knows that ideal parents are as rare as totally evil parents. Most fall somewhere in the spectrum between the two.

 

I will always be thankful for having read Jacques Lacan, the French psychoanalyst and psychiatrist who wrote:

“When your client comes to you and tells you his mother died, do not immediately give your condolences. You still do not know how your client felt about his mother.”

 

And he’s right, isn’t he? Because children may not necessarily feel grief at their mothers’ death. They may even feel relief or a certain kind of joy. And no, it is not necessarily because they may be rubbing their hands in glee at the inheritance they’ll be getting. Many times it means the cruel taunts, the suggestion that “you’re just not good enough” will have finally stopped (although their memories may continue to do their damage).  I have had quite a number of clients who felt tremendous relief when they realized their feelings against their mothers were valid despite all the admonitions that our mothers loved us best.

Jacques Lacan has been called a charlatan by Noam Chomsky and even “the shrink from hell” in a 1997 article in The Times Higher Education Supplement. They may be right (though I highly doubt it) but Lacan was the first person who helped me realize being a good therapist includes not jumping in to fill a void. Oftentimes a silence that may seem uncomfortable in “ordinary conversation” is the very thing you need at this point in a therapy session.  A good therapist is also someone who keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t make pronouncements, though he can certainly pick up clues about and listen to, his client’s messages (mixed, meta, direct etc.) to form a hypothesis that hopefully helps his client.

Polish psychologist Alice Miller posits: “Wherever I look, I see signs of the commandment to honor one’s parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of a child.”

What chances do 2, 5, 10, even 18 year old kids have to question their mothers’ motives when no one listens to anything that even hints that their mothers may NOT have her child’s best interest at heart?

           

Not too long ago, an episode on one of these advice shows was about a 15-year old girl who pushed her grandmother down the stairs. I agree that that is not the nicest thing to do to an old woman, especially, perhaps, to one who clothed and fed you while your parents were OFWs.

However, the response she got was appalling.  Each of the three advisers admonished her to respect her grandparents (so far so good; we all deserve respect). But to say that all people older than us automatically know more is questionable.  And to imply that we thus have to obey them simply because, being our caretakers, “they know best” is simply ludicrous.

I approached one of the regulars in the show and said: “I don’t understand why this is the advice they offered.  Admonishing adolescents to obey elders who never listen to them will not foster greater understanding; it will merely teach the children to lie to these elders who have been put on pedestals they don’t deserve to be on.”

The regular I approached smiled and said, “You’re right, Doktora, but that is what our culture says.”

To which I answered “But isn’t this what this show is all about? To open up people’s perspectives so they themselves can choose alternative and healthier ways to behave?” adding in an attempt to leaven what may seem like a criticism by adding: “By the way, I so hope your saying I’m right  is not merely another example of our culture’s admonition to always respect and thus agree with our oldies, ha?”

Admittedly, few of us want to grow up in a world that protagonists in Korean horror movies live in.  In this case, indubitably the granddaughter must be taught more effective ways of dealing with her frustration.  But merely scolding her for her not agreeing with her grandmother’s advice, advice that was definitely good because “napagdaanan niya rin yan” and “hindi nya yun sasabihin kung di ka nya mahal” (‘she’s been through what you are going through’ and ‘she wouldn’t advise this course of action if she didn’t love you’) is not the way to go.

While training guidance counselors to be better equipped to deal with their students’ sexuality related problems, I quickly realized that the most difficult aspect of this course was getting them to realize that their own personal experiences (or fantasies) were not compelling reasons to suggest certain courses of action.

EXAMPLE: A typical role play where “Joy,” a 16-year old girl, wants to run away from home because she is frightened her mother will beat her up when she finds out Joy is pregnant.

The counselor jumps in and says: “No, she will never do that. She loves you.”    Or

“Kahit papaano, kahit galit siya sa umpisa, mahal ka pa rin nya at mamahalin niya ang apo niya. Walang magulang ang matitiis ang anak.” (In the end, no matter what you’ve done, she loves you and will love her grandchild. No mother is capable of cutting off her child completely).

And that is just not so.  

Now why is it that counselors and therapists who have been trained to see beyond the obvious still make the mistakes that untrained laymen make? More on that next week.

But allow me to end this with two other quotes. The first is from Sidney Harris: “The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes them a mother—which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician.”

The second is from Philip Larkin because he says it more eloquently in his poem This Be the Verse:

 

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. 
   They may not mean to, but they do. 
They fill you with the faults they had 
   And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
   By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
   And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
   It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
   And don’t have any kids yourself.

-Rappler.com