NEW YORK, United States – “The question is not so much why people cheat, but we have to ask ourselves why does it hurt so much when they do?”

“Couples now are all about, ‘If there’s going to be cheating, I’m going to kill you,’” said international couples therapist Esther Perel.

“Whereas among gay couples, one will say, “If there’s going to be cheating, I want to watch,’” quipped best-selling author and sex advice columnist, Dan Savage. 

The audience gathered at the French Institute Alliance Française in New York listened in rapt attention as Perel and Savage gave their views on infidelity and the truth about love and lust and that other L-word: loyalty.

Perel who authored the book, Mating in Captivity, examined how longer life expectancy has put a strain on monogamy.

“We are living longer now so couples have to love twice as long – just one person.  Never before have we been so dependent on one person for all our all our needs: emotional and financial security, and our psychological well being. Before, we had a complete village and different people to look to for all those needs.”

Infidelity is certainly not a new itch to be scratched, but as Perel explains, the longevity of a relationship brings with it the need to reconcile the often times contradictory expectations of a domestic union. “We want stability, but we also want the excitement of the unpredictable. The idea of passionate marriage is an oxymoron.”

The confluence of factors and the blurring of lines between commitment and self-fulfillment add to the struggle of staying monogamous.

“Our grandmothers had to deal with cheating, too, but I’m not sure they were at such a loss. When a woman comes to see me in my clinic to talk about infidelity, the words I hear are, ‘My whole life was a lie’ or ‘I don’t know myself anymore.’ It is when you dump me, you dump my essence.”

Negotiating boundaries

Savage, author of the popular sex and relationship advice column, “Savage Love,” has always been vocal about the benefits of negotiating the boundaries of non-monogamy. Savage acknowledges that monogamy is perfectly fine for some couples, but is dangerous for most when monogamy is seen as the cornerstone of a lasting relationship.

“There are other things like humor, joy, and honesty,” argued Savage.

Savage has been married to Terry Miller for a number of years now. Together, the two are raising their adopted son.

“We are committed to one another, but we are not monogamous. At the most, we are monogamish, or something like it.”

About today’s obsession with fidelity, Savage says heterosexual couples could learn a bit from how gay relationships have more fluidity and openness, which he refers to “options.”

Perel dismissed the idea of illicit dalliances being an exclusively male occupied realm. Contraception, no-fault divorce, financial autonomy and independence have made it more appealing and possible for women to stray, but built-in society checkpoints like slut-shaming and the assigned role of “guardian of the relationship” will always make it harder for women to do so.

“There are still about 9 countries in the world where women can be burned or stoned alive for adultery,” said Perel, emphasizing her point.

Pragmatism applied to eroticism

While discussing monogamy and infidelity from two different sides of the relationship fence, Perel and Savage did agree on the need to have realistic views about how difficult it is to stay monogamous in today’s world and if cheating does happen, to understand why. 

“Affairs are sometimes an anecdote to deadness,” explained Perel who said that is common for patients who have had or are having affairs to have just lost a loved one or have gotten bad news from the doctor about their own health.

What then are the new rules of the game when it comes to relationships?

During the open forum at the end of the talk, one gentleman raised his hand and asked, “This is a great forum and all the things you two talked about are really interesting, but I just want to know: what should I tell my wife”?

“Well, is she here?” Savage shot back.

“She’s in Los Angeles,” replied the gentleman, causing a wave of knowing laughter to erupt from the crowd. “No, but I’ve been texting her the whole time about what you guys have been saying!” he reasoned.

“You will have to talk to your partner. Talk about what is acceptable and what isn’t,” said Perel, explaining that boundaries for indiscretion as well as transparency and honesty need to be discussed. “If there is cheating, do you even want to know about it? To answer that question, you will need to think about what it will be like for the other person to live with the knowledge of your disclosure.” – Rappler.com

Ana P. Santos writes about sex and gender issues. Seriously. She is a regular contributor for Rappler apart from her DASH of SAS column, which is a spin off of her website, www.SexAndSensibilities.com (SAS). Follow her on Twitter at @iamAnaSantos.

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