Now that Christmas is over and Santa will be taking a break from checking if you’re naughty or nice, don’t you wish that you had better answers for remarks that left you shocked and dumbfounded during a recent holiday party?
Most snappy responses are one of the following: (1) an identical or slightly modified question thrown back at the offender; (2) a subtle reminder of the inappropriateness of the comment; or (3) a seemingly unconnected answer aimed at throwing off the offender and making them focus on themselves.
Join me in laughing at creative responses to the “well-meaning” questions and comments from our favorite nosy relatives. (Disclaimer: Not responsible for any conflicts that arise from using these answers. If you want to maintain peace in your family or social circle, use these polite replies instead. Responses attributed when possible.)
Uy, ang taba mo! (Hey, you’re so fat!)
– My weight, I can change. Your face, you cannot.
– Uy, ang taba mo rin! (Hey, same to you!)
– Taklesa ka pa rin, no? (You’re still tactless, no?)
– May pambili kasi ako ng masasarap na pagkain e. Ikaw? (I can afford good food. You?)
– Runs in the family, no? I got your genes!
– Ikaw naman, matagal na’kong ganito. Pero nagulat ako sa iyo. Ang laki ng itinanda mo! (I’ve been like this for a while, but my, you’ve aged!) – Les Aquino via Facebook
Kailan ka mag-aasawa? (When are you getting married?)
– Kailan kayo maghihiwalay? (How about you? When are you getting separated?)
– Bakit? Hindi ka naman imbitado ha! (Why? You won’t be invited.)
– Pag-umamin na yung mister mo na may kabit siya. (When your husband admits to his affair.)
– Matagal pa. Nakakasira ng sex life ang pag-aasawa e. (Far from it. Marriage harms one’s sex life.)
Why don’t you have children?
– Why do you have warts?
– Why don’t you have sex? Sorry, is that too personal?
– I’m fine with my dose of bratty behavior from your kids!
– I want to go to Europe first. Want to come? Oh, that’s right, you can’t travel because of your kids.
Asan na mga apo ko? (Where are my grandchildren?)
– Asan na ang mana ko? (Where’s my inheritance?)
– Patulong naman Ma, kasi hindi kami marunong gumawa ng anak e. Paano ba? (Help me, Ma, I don’t know how to make babies. Tell me how it’s done.)
– Di bale po, mamaya gagawan na kita. Ora mismo! (Don’t worry, I’ll make you some later!)
Wow, you’re eating a lot!
– Wow, you’re talking a lot!
– At least it’s food I’m putting in my mouth.
– Food makes me happy. You should try being happy.
– Life is short. Hope yours is too.
– Yeah, I’ve also noticed you’re losing your hair, but I didn’t want to embarrass you.
Asan na yung ex mo? (Where’s your ex?)
– Asan yung sa’yo? (Where’s yours?)
– Alin? Ang dami nila e. Next! (Which one? I have so many. Next!)
– Bakit, type mo ba sya? Bilis habulin mo! (Why, did you desire him? Go, chase him!)
– Nag-artista na. Kilala mo si Derek Ramsay? (He’s an actor now. Do you know Derek Ramsay?)
– Masyadong na-pressure kasi ang ganda ko daw e. (He was too pressured by my beauty.)
Uy wow, siguro ang yaman-yaman mo na no? Ang dami mo nang pera ha! (Wow, you must be rich now and have tons of money!)
– Ganyan talaga kapag kumakayod at hindi tamad. (That’s what happens if you work hard and you’re not lazy.)
– Hindi naman mayaman, masaya lang. Ikaw? (Not rich, just happy. You?)
– I do well for myself, my parents raised me well. How about your kids?
Anong sinasabi mo sa anak mo pag tinatanong niya kung asan yung ex mo? (What do you say to your kid when he asks where your ex is?)
– Anong sinasabi mo sa anak mo pag tinatanong niya bakit ang pakialamera mo? (What do you say to your kid when he asks why you’re so nosy?)
Bakit hindi pa nagsasalita yang anak mo? Delayed na siya para sa edad nya ha! (Why isn’t your kid talking? He’s delayed for his age!)
– Bakit hindi pa naka-diaper yung asawa niyo? Delayed na siya para sa edad nya ha! (Why isn’t your husband in diapers? He’s delayed for his age!)
Wow, bakla ka pa rin? (Wow, you’re still gay?)
– Wow, tanga ka pa rin? (Wow, you’re still dumb?)
– Oo, pero balita ko ikaw yung rumarampa eh! (Yes, but I heard you’re the one who’s cruising!)
– Ikaw, babaero pa rin? (You, are you still a womanizer?)
– Ikaw, pokpok pa rin? (You, are you still promiscuous?)
– Mabuti nang bakla pa rin kesa permanenteng bobing. (Better to be gay than permanently stupid.)
You’re studying what in college? You won’t make money off that.
– What did you study in college, Tito? How much did you make off that?
– Oh I thought it would make more money than being a housewife.
– Really? Tell me how else I should live my life.
Uy, nag-asawa na pala yung klasmeyt mong si Tekla! Kelan ka naman susunod? (Hey I heard your classmate got married? Will you be next?)
– Namatay na pala yung kababata nyong si Aling Simang… (Hey I heard your friend died…) from Erwin Ebreo via Facebook
And finally, to silence everyone’s fashion police:
Mas bagay sa iyo long hair. (You look better with long hair.)
– Mas bagay sa iyo closed mouth. (You look better with a closed mouth.)
That being said, the best option is still to walk away from the negatrons, but sometimes you also wish you could fight back, if only in your mind. Let’s try to just laugh them off and start the New Year with smiles!
Happy New Year! – Rappler.com
Shakira Andrea Sison is a Palanca Award-winning essayist. She currently works in finance and spends her non-working hours thinking of snappy answers in subway trains. She is a veterinarian by education and was managing a retail corporation in Manila before relocating to New York in 2002. Her column appears on Thursdays. Follow her on Twitter: @shakirasison and on Facebook.com/sisonshakira.