Trump on pissing on Pyongyang, evolution and Genesis, and getting advice from Duterte

Walden Bello

This is AI generated summarization, which may have errors. For context, always refer to the full article.

[Satire] When you attend a Donald Trump news conference....

Today, I received an email from a friend that I can’t resist sharing with you guys.

Dear Walden:

Fortune smiles upon me. I never sought access to a Trump press conference, but accidentally got into one. I was at the State Department the other day to interview some official there for yet another piece on terrorism in the Middle East, when everyone seemed to be rushing to the press briefing room, including the guy I was interviewing, who invited me to come along and got me through security.

Trump was visiting and calling an impromptu press conference. Everyone thought he would announce the firing of the Secretary of State, but it seemed he just wanted to joust with what he called “you purveyors of fake news.” Anyway, here’s the transcript of that really crazy press conference.

Pissing contest

Reuters:  Mr President, you said you had a bigger nuclear button than Kim Jong-Un. Looks like the two of you are having a pissing contest.

Trump:  Well, it is a pissing contest. My piss is certain to hit Pyongyang 15,000 miles away but his piss would probably only get as far as Honolulu.

Reuters: You mean you don’t worry about a North Korean missile hitting Honolulu?

Trump: Of course, I care about Hawaii. I love those people and I love the hula and called my hotel there the Queen Kamehameha. All I’m trying to say is that his missile would, at best, affect a few thousand people, but mine would be, well, much more powerful.

New York Times: Seoul and Pyongyang are separated by just a few hundred miles. So any nuclear strike on Pyongyang would also impact on Seoul, Mr President.

Trump: Well, I can’t help it if God placed Seoul and Pyongyang close to each other. But they have a subway in Seoul so people can take shelter there, like the British did in the Underground during the war.

On evolution

Guardian: On another matter, Mr President, some Tea Party groups are suing the state of Georgia for “violating free speech” by not allowing the teaching of Creationism in school alongside the theory of evolution. Mr President, what is your opinion of the theory of evolution?

Trump: It’s fake news. The world was created in 7 days 4 thousand years ago.

Guardian: What about the idea of the survival of the fittest?

Trump: Oh, that’s an idea from Adam Smith that I believe in. That’s why I’m so successful as a businessman and as president. I’m the fittest.

Guardian: Do you believe that an asteroid hit the earth 65 million years ago, and this killed off the dinosaurs?

Trump: Nope. The dinosaurs got extinct because they refused to come aboard Noah’s Ark during the Great Flood three thousand years ago.

LA Times: If you were a dinosaur, which species would you want to belong to?

Trump: I don’t know. I haven’t seen the movie.

LA Times: Movie?

Trump: Yes, by that guy Spielberg. I don’t see movies made by liberal friends of Meryl Striptease.

Duterte, drug users, and Mexicans

At this point, I decided to do you a favor. But how would I get his attention, with all those well- known reporters raising their hands? So I decided to fake my identity and raised my hand and shouted loudly, “Mr President, you’ve just been calling men.  I’m J—R— from the Charlottesville Klansman. We backed your stand that there was a moral equivalence between the Nazis and those violent anti-Nazi protestors.”

Trump: Oh yes, the Charlottesville Klansman. So you see, my friends, the Klan does not discriminate against women, well, at least, not against pretty women, like you, ma’am.

Me: I’d like to know what you think about the war on drugs being waged by President Duterte in the Philippines?

Trump: Oh, I just saw him in November, and I told him he was doing a great job. He’s got a big problem with drugs, like we have with illegal immigrants, with Mexicans.

Me: The human rights people say he’s killing thousands of people.

Trump:  Well, I ask those bleeding heart liberals, what choice does Duterte have? We can ship Mexicans back to their country, then build a wall to keep them out. President Duterte can’t ship those druggies to another country. All I can say is that those Mexicans should be grateful we still have Mexico to dump them in. Otherwise, I might have to call Mr Duterte for some advice.

Cheers,

J.R.

Rappler.com

When he is not writing satirical fiction, Walden Bello writes on and teaches political economy.  He was a member of the House of Representatives from 2009 to 2015 where he made the only recorded resignation on principle from Congress owing to principled differences with then President Benigno Aquino III.

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