Whether you’re isolating at home or confined with your bae, the other thing that this pandemic has turned on its head is our sex lives. Those happily cocooning with their beau jumped at the chance to jump each other when the early days of lockdown promised unli bang bang. The Uncoupled fell asleep sexting a paramour they were getting closer to meeting in real life and woke up to a whole new world where physical contact was prohibited – especially among people you don’t know. 

Two months into this alphabet soup of quarantine acronyms and the honeymoon period of having jiggy on tap is starting to get stale. The singletons want to get their adrenaline racing with something more than kneading, squeezing, and heaving over making sourdough from scratch.

Whatever stage you are in this pandemic-prompted sexual journey, we’re refreshing the safe sex playbook with coronavirus updates to keep the lockdown sex hot – and safe.

You are your safest sex partner (emphasis not mine but c/o the NYC Health Department)

If you ever even doubted it, these words are immortalized in this safe sex during COVID-19 dossier issued by the New York City Health Department. 

The first rule of COVID-19 safe sex is self-love. #Stayathome and wank at home. Just remember to wash your hands and sex toys for at least 20 seconds (equivalent to two refrains of Stayin’ Alive) after each moment of self-indulgence.

For the first-time self-starters, check out this article “How to Masturbate Like a Champ” that will have you going from solo sex trainee to Olympian in no time. Our friends at The Pleasure Project are celebrating May as Masturbation Month (that’s one undisrupted tradition) and have compiled a bunch of helpful, fun sex-positive articles to serve as your pleasure portal to self-discovery. (Check out The Pleasure Project blog here to get started.)

Get creative and adventurous with sex play and sex toys

Your imagination and some sex toys will be your salvation, and we’re happy to report that sex toys can be discreetly delivered to your doorstep. Someone must have recognized that they also perform an essential service. Our friends at Ilya, that fun sex shop down in Maginhawa Street, deliver within Mega Manila including Las Pinas, Rizal, and Cavite. 

For first-timers, Ilya owner AJ Osmena suggests making the First Toy Kit your first purchase. This power bundle has the bullet vibrator and lube – because lube, like butter melting on bread fresh from the oven, makes everything better. It’s currently available at a special marked down price to help you shed your inhibitions.

Osmena also suggests the Svakom Daisy which is an external bullet clitorial vibrator. This little daisy is petite but comes in 3 different vibration modes that promise to “make you squeal with glee.”

The Tickler Rebel external and internal clitorial stimulator is the bad boy of vibrators that will tickle and tingle your G-spot.

For couples who want to level up their sexy time, you still need to do a temperature check. Make sure you’re hot and horny – not hot and showing symptoms of COVID-19. If you’ve been exposed to someone with COVID-19 or are showing symptoms, take the precautionary 14-day self-isolation.

Now that that public service announcement is out of the way, back to sex toys.

Osmena recommends their best reviewed We-Vibe Anniversary bundle. It’s on the pricey side but you can synch it with your a Bluetooth app and control it via remote. Alternatively, you can check out the Satisfyer Partner Plus which is small enough for couples to use in the tightest corners of your condo. The Partner Plus is a winner of the Red Dot Award, a seal of quality for innovative design and comes in 10 speeds to match your rhythm.

Those looking for some tongue action, the Lelo Ora 2 is what you need to add to cart. The nub design rotates and vibrates mimicking the teasing sensation of a tongue. It can be used alone or with a partner to extend play time.

Some sex toys come in an innocous design. The Lela Ora 2 is so pretty that you can even put it on display on your nightstand as an accent piece. For toys who wear their function with their form, here’s a storage tip: stuff inside a sock and safely store in a cabinet until you need it to come out and play.

Your libido says, “YES! Yes, oh my fuckin’ god, yes!” But the science of the virus says, “NO.”

In this age when social distancing is a legal mandate and a condom cannot protect you from aerosolized respiratory droplets, your next safest sex partner is someone you live with. The NYC Health Department recommends having sex with people close to you, and no, I don’t think they meant within Tindering distance. 

The Dutch government, in all their liberal glory, has openly acknowledged the skin hunger brought by prolonged isolation and recommended that single people find “a sex buddy for lockdown.” The suggestion comes with some guidelines to lessen the risk of such intimacy. 

“Discuss how best to do this together,” the Dutch health authorities suggest in this article in The Guardian. “For example, meet with the same person to have physical or sexual contact (for example, a cuddle buddy or “sex buddy”), provided you are free of illness. Make good arrangements with this person about how many other people you both see. The more people you see, the greater the chance of (spreading) the coronavirus.”

But – and here’s a big but – as of last month, the Dutch government was already conducting 17,500 tests per day. At full capacity, they can test 29,000 per day. Currently, our own health department hopes we can test 30,000 per day by the end of May. 

So nope, nope, nope. No lockdown sex buddy until there is a vaccine or a reasonable level of testing. And we’re talking RT-PCRs, with a swab that will go deep throat (or in up your nose) to get that specimen sample needed.

There is no affair hot enough, no lover good enough in bed, no romance sizzling enough to break quarantine for. Also, a gentle reminder that kissing is also discouraged by public health experts. No cover (mask), no lover. And we’re talking the N95 equivalent of NO ID, NO ENTRY.

Sexting, naked selfies, and video sex are still a free world. You can even set up your own thirst traps using that new ring light you bought for your endless Zoom sessions to turn up the heat with your sext partner. Just remember to protect your identity, check encryption, and don’t show your face. Remember, the internet never forgets. (READ: What the law says about naked selfies) 

Oh, and gentlemen, we don’t care how smooth your penis looks under that lighting or how big it seems at that angle; no dick pics until you send out an invitation and receive a positive RSVP. Quarantine or not, consent always comes first. 

Don’t let a quarantine bump and grind turn into unplanned baby bump

Those coronellian jokes (babies conceived during all the down time of lockdown) can get pretty real. Don’t let one horny night surprise you some 36 weeks later. It can get complicated to go to the drug store or convenience store to get some condoms or refill your birth control supply. 

The folks at Dima have got you covered. You can order a pregnancy test and birth control pills and have them delivered to you. Dima founder Carlo Cu Unjieng says that he and his sister, Julia, started Dima to serve as a safe space for sexual health so birth control pills are packed in non-branded packages with only the recipient’s name. It’s the same for the rapid pregnancy test – so you don’t have to worry about knowing looks from nosy condo neighbors. 

Once you place an order for pills, Dima partner doctors will review it and make out a prescription for you. 

For guys who need a little lift, Dima also offers FDA-approved generic Viagra which goes for about P120 per pill. “This is a cheaper and safe option compared to the fake brands sold online,” said Cu Unjieng.

COVID-19 is going to stick around for a while, changing hook-up culture and relationships. Who knows what hooking up and settling down will look like once we have found a way to co-exist with the virus. Until then, we can just have sex pleasurably and safely. – Rappler.com 

Ana P. Santos writes about sexual health rights, sexuality and gender for Rappler. She is the 2014 Miel Fellow under the Pulitzer Center on Crisis Reporting and a 2018 Senior Atlantic Fellow for Health Equity in Southeast Asia.Follow her on Twitter at @iamAnaSantos and on Facebook at @SexandSensibilities.com