#UnsentLetters: One Thing I Will Not Regret
Love is the abandonment of narcissism. It is when you neglect your own desires and fears for someone else, that you can say you truly love. And so perhaps the message I want to leave you is this: There is nothing I desire more than being with you, and nothing I fear more than losing you. You who have been my family, my refuge, my confidante and my source of strength; you who I’ve been vulnerable with, grown with, fought with, learned with and loved with. But because I love you, I will give up this desire and I will face this fear openly and willingly. I said I will fight for you, and I meant it. I am fighting the selfish intention to hold on to someone who I know no longer wants to be mine. I am fighting the urge to beg you to stay with me, knowing you are already giving all the love in your heart to someone else. I promised I will fight for you and I meant it, even if I end up at war with myself. You said she makes you happy, and I will fight all the voices in my head telling me to tell you I can do the same thing. You said you truly believe she is The One. I know how good it feels to find that one person you believe you will spend your life with. It is a feeling I will never forget, and a feeling that I will not try to deny from you.
Love is not ownership but appreciation. I know your love and your heart is no longer mine to hold and cherish, but that will not change how I feel. I do not need your love to validate my own, and whether or not I will keep loving you will not depend on whether or not you will love me back. Even if you are no longer mine, I will still appreciate everything that you are and everything you are not. Every day I will still wake up hopeful and optimistic, knowing that people as beautiful as you exist. And so, whatever ugliness the world throws at me, whatever pain I shall feel, I will still have the audacity to see the world as a beautiful place, for the simple fact that you are here.
Love is admitting to one’s mistakes. For all my shortcomings, for all my mistakes, know that there is no one hurting more for them than me. The hurt comes from knowing that I have been blessed with the rare opportunity to love and care for you the best way, and in knowing that many times, I have failed. They say love erases regrets but truthfully, love intensifies them. I regret every second I failed to make you feel appreciated. I regret every night you went to bed without someone to hold you. I regret every single tear you have shed for this, for us. I regret hearing but not listening. I regret listening but not understanding. I regret making you feel like I can live happily without you. I regret the hurtful words I know I did not mean, and I regret the fact that despite knowing it would hurt you, I said them anyway. I regret every time I chose the feeling of being right over the feeling of not arguing. I regret the many times I have doubted you and your ability to change for the better.
But if there is one thing I will never regret, it is falling in love with you.
In falling in love, I have risen in love. Your love made me a better person and inspired me to be the best person. I will be forever grateful for the changes your love has brought to my life.
I am comforted by the fact that it wouldn’t hurt this much if what I lost wasn’t something of great value. I am comforted by the fact that I think about us this much because for me, what we had was unforgettable. Now more than ever I am sure that what we had was great, and I thank God that he gave me four years to enjoy it. I will always crave the softness of your lips and the way your kisses taste. I will always miss the comfort of your embrace. I will always summon the memory of your smile whenever I am having a bad day.
When friends asked me what my greatest achievement was, I said it was having you. I was very lucky to have you, and if I were to be honest I always thought you deserved someone better. And now here she is. It is an honor to have been loved by you. It was a privilege to have my heart broken by you.
You keep saying nothing in this world is permanent. I am walking away knowing I tried my best to make our love the exception. Perhaps on my part, it still is. – Rappler.com
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