[Clinical Notes] On talking about suicide

First, a note from Dr Margarita Holmes: I first started this column to provide a more clinical perspective to problems that our Two Pronged format is less suited to. Mr Baer then suggested I expand this column’s remit to include answering the sort of letters that require much more psychological training and sometimes even internship in an institute of higher learning. An example is the letter found below.

Dear Readers:

This will be a two-part Clinical Notes since it does not originate from any Two Pronged column and thus we have to start from scratch. In addition, this story is a little more complicated than former CNs if only because the others addressed merely the person writing us/me. 

In this case, I wish we could have also addressed two other people in addition to the letter writer herself, the self-styled Dead Star (DS). These are people who might have been able to help DS tremendously.  But perhaps it is precisely that: DS did not reach out to them because, being the people they are, she felt they would not be helpful. 

This by no means implies that they are bad people, just not that helpful to DS at this particular time.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr.Baer,

I’m incoming Grade 8 this school year. I was always the type of person that didn’t mind what the people said even though I heard them. 

Well that is what I appear on the outside. Their words hurt me like a train and I just pretend not to hear them or not to mind them, and just laugh about it. I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night to release all the pain I’ve gone through. 

I have thought of many options – move to a new school, bully them back, even suicide. When I thought of suicide, I was unsure if I should do it because I don’t want my parents to suffer the pain. But I also think of the other people that will actually miss me, and I tried to write their names on a paper and I only came up with the names of my family. I thought to myself, will someone actually miss me?

Yesterday, I was determined to do it. But I couldn’t, I was thinking of my dad and my mom. I crossed off the thought in my mind so I continued my usual day. 

What do you think I’ll do? Should I be overconfident to overcome my bullies? Should I just be myself and keep on distracting myself from them? Thank you.

Dead Star

Dear Dead Star,

Thank you for your email. We are so glad you wrote to us and trust us.

All I would like to say at this point is the following. You say that when you write the names of those who would miss you only come up with your family. Perhaps it would help you if you consider the fact that there are so many people out there in the world whose lists would have no names on them at all. You are in the happy position of having loving family. Keep that in mind and start developing coping mechanisms. Dr Holmes will be writing to you separately.

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

 

Dear readers of Clinical Notes: 

I would just like to say that, for all intents and purposes, what Mr Baer said would be considered “wrong” by many counselors since he, in effect, could be misconstrued as belittling Dead Star’s problem when he said “You say that when you write the names of those who would miss you you only come up with your family. Perhaps it would help you if you consider the fact that there are so many people out there in the world whose lists would have no names on them at all.” 

However, the proof of the pudding is in the eating and in this case DS did not take offense at Mr Baer’s remark, the clue being that she continued to write to both of us as openly as when she started. 

I like to think that the reason is because DS, who is obviously intelligent and observant, could feel his sincerity, and thus realizes that he meant well and was not being judgmental.

I bring this issue up at this point to reassure those among you who worry about not saying the “right” thing to someone suicidal. Many decide not to say anything for fear they might push the suicidal person over the edge. And yet, their not saying anything, their silence, can be worse.

I don’t know how this myth started.  Put succinctly, it goes: “Don’t ask anyone if he has ever thought of suicide because it may give him ideas to do so.”

A sub myth to this one is: “if you say the wrong thing to someone suicidal, it will push her/him over the edge, so best not to say a thing.” 

Many suicidal people, however, welcome questions/ comments especially if initially they thought they were not significant enough for someone like you to notice their predicament. In addition, it might be the permission they need to share some pretty heavy stuff with you, heavy stuff they would have kept to themselves if they hadn’t been reassured, by your question/comment, that you were ready and wiling to listen.

I can only share what several people who have thought of suicide tell me: “that they care what happens to me.”     

In other words, if you are concerned about someone, ask him if there’s anything wrong. Even if he says no, you can follow it up with a question or comment that shows you are ready to listen anytime/anywhere. 

Should s/he says yes, you can say anything you feel because, even if someone else deems it “not right,” you can be sure that anyone who trusts you enough to say yes, there is something wrong, will trust that what you have to say is from a loving heart.

– Click here for Part 2 – 

The Natasha Goulbourn Foundation has a depression and suicide prevention hotline to help those secretly suffering from depression. The numbers to call are 804-4673 and 0917-558-4673. Globe and TM subscribers may call the toll-free number 2919. More information is available on its website. It’s also on Twitter @NGFoundationPH and Facebook.