[Two Pronged] Am I destined to be a ‘forever tita?’

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer, 

Good day! My name is Talia and I am 34 years old. Whilst the world is busy reproducing and the rest of the people I know are either married, engaged or single parents, I on the other hand seemed to be having a problem settling down.

Currently, I am in a relationship with a 60-year-old English man. We talked for hours and hours for several years until we decided to be a couple. In the process, I forgot that he is 25 years my senior. He went to my city and met my family. In turn, I went to spend a holiday in England with him.

Things started to turn sour when I noticed that he’d rather sleep than have sex with me. On rare occasions, we have sex but I really have to work on it. Most of the time, I am left high and dry. There were instances we would fight about it because we already agreed to have kids since I have PCOS it would be better to start having kids. However, all I ever observe is the massive changes of our sex life. From downright poor to literally zero. He lost his job while I was there so I held it together and helped him pay for the bills.

When we were in the Philippines, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. We started planning our lives when I went to England. Apparently, he wanted to marry me after I pass the exams and work as a nurse in his country. He immediately wanted us to buy the flat that he is currently renting. I find it fishy why want to marry me after I can earn money when he keeps on making excuses not to get another job. We had a huge fight when I can’t stand his lack of drive to get employed while I went through the whole 9 yards of studying while working. Spent lots of money just to pass exams while he is so contented staying at home.

I broke up with him and I noticed that he would make the visa an issue. He was the one who paid for my second visa. Although I kept on insisting to pay for it, he said it was a gentlemanly thing to do but he keeps on bringing the visa issue when we have disagreements. The latest fight brought him to threaten me with cancellation of my visa since we are not getting married anyway. Right now, I am leaving my job in the Middle East since I am not free to find a partner here. In a few weeks, I will be jobless but free to chase my dreams and take exams.

To be honest, I am having second thoughts of seeing him in his turf again. After I have observed his lifestyle and how pathetic our sex life was and how he made me feel dirty about making love. I still have feelings for him but it is dying. My needs are not met. There is no security in the relationship and I am high risk to be his bread winner – not the life that I envisioned. I want to meet someone when I go back there again for a holiday since I do not fare well with Pinoys.

In the end, I feel like I am taking chances in my career and wondering if I will ever find that life partner that I have been long waiting for. Will I still have a chance to have a kid or will I be forever Tita?

I want to love and raise a family. Is that too much to hope for?

Sincerely,

Talia

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Dear Talia,

Thank you for your email.

So you are 34, want a life partner and a family, but have been disappointed by your fiancé, who has consequently been relegated to the status of ex-fiancé.

Well, you are to be congratulated on terminating the disaster that is your long distance relationship (LDR) with this 60-year-old British man. Anyone who is in an LDR and not interested in sex on the few and far between occasions when his fiancée is actually present is clearly not a strong candidate for future lover of the year. If in addition he is averse to work but not averse to living off his fiancée it is difficult to see what positive contribution he can make to any future marriage, other than facilitating legal access to the UK.

Now, there are those who are prepared to pay all sorts of prices to gain access to the opportunities that living and working abroad can offer, just as there are others who are prepared to put up with all sorts of behavior on the part of their spouse in exchange for a nice house, credit cards and a good education for their children. You, Talia, do not appear to be of this ilk and so you sensibly decided to call the marriage off.

However, you are still left with a desire to find a partner and have a family and your PCOS diagnosis adds a certain urgency to  this. There is unfortunately no magic solution. Having said that, the internet has opened up now opportunities, especially for people like you who have been located in countries where socializing can be problematic.

You can take heart from the fact that you have narrowly avoided marriage to a man who did not respect you even during courtship, was work shy, a parasite and a blackmailer, and would have been in his 80’s by the time your first child became an adult. This marks your first step to embarking on a quest to find someone more congenial.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

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Dear Talia:

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr Baer thinks you have made your decision to leave your partner (let’s call him Alan), but I am not as sure. I think part of you is still thinking about it, because you believe in the following: “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush” and “Better the devil you know.”

However, a bird in hand is not better IF well, he isn’t all THAT desirable to begin with, in the way Alan isn’t.

As to the devil you know, it is possible that your next partner will not be devilish at all!  

Alan’s greatest appeal seems to be that you already know him, and have probably convinced yourself that, at the very least, he is on board with getting you pregnant. Yes, it might take some time to find another man you consider “father material,” but how can you think a man as self absorbed as Alan could be a good father (and husband) to begin with? A man who sees no contradiction in being “gentlemanly” enough to pay for your second visa on the one hand yet sees nothing despicable in threatening you with cancelling it the minute you don’t do as he asks.

Let’s say you take the easy way out, marry him and have a baby. After that, what? New York Times columnist Frank Bruni once wrote about families: “The glory of a close family is that you never lack for cheerleaders, enveloping you in support.”

Can you really see him being a cheerleader, for both you and your child, consistently wanting only the very best for both of you?

People try to put their best foot forward during the courtship stage to persuade their partners that they, indeed, are worth marrying. If Alan is like this even before marriage, what sort of a partner will he be when you become his wife?

Mr Baer wrote about women who make compromises with their choice of partner because said women think it is worth it to attain what they want. Your history (jobs you’ve had, difficulties you’ve surmounted, courage in trying the unknown) attests to your not needing to make compromises like these.

You are more than capable of getting whatever it is you want, without Alan’s help. It may take you longer and require some lifestyle changes, but many women with PCOS have gotten pregnant, as many websites will attest to.

Though a fertility expert can answer your question about pregnancy more accurately, based on my research and clinical experience, yes, there is every chance you can get pregnant. 

And even if that should not be the case, you can still have a family with kids who consider you their mom (and not merely their tita) and, hopefully, you consider your children.

All the best,

MG Holmes

 – Rappler.com

 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.