(READ: Titas of Manila: What it’s really like to be single in your 40s)

Elizabeth, 44
Finance Director, Filipino expatriate
Not actively dating. Happily single.

In this second edition of a three part series, I talk to my old (meaning former) classmate, Elizabeth. Thanks to social media we never really lost touch, but also because of social media, we haven’t really gotten around to catching up since our school days. For the past couple of years, she’s been living as an expat in Southeast Asia and I caught her while she was on vacation in Manila.

I told Elizabeth about the women who asked me to write this column—women in their late 20s and 30s who have elected to stay unmarried and possibly, childless. Getting married is a possibility, as opposed to an unspoken expectation. It is an outlook that is in direct contrast to the life trajectory we Titas grew up believing. Elizabeth was only too happy to share her thoughts about being single in her 40s.

Elizabeth’s last relationship was in 2012. It lasted for four years. At the start, she was sad but has now accepted it as something that wasn’t meant to be. Elizabeth’s ex-boyfriend begrudged her success. “There were a lot of fights. He’s not the type to talk about things and I’m not the type to nag. I guess there are guys who want to be the more successful one in the relationship.”

Since then, she hasn’t really been actively dating. “I was deployed to an expat assignment about two years after the break up and well, wala naman masyadong gwapo dun [there aren’t many cute guys there] and I’m not the type to hang out with the white expat community,” she chuckled.

It was while getting settled into a foreign country that Elizabeth discovered more about herself. It was her first time to really live on her own and her first time to venture doing things by herself like eating out or watching a movie. “Before I moved abroad, I would make the daily commute to my house outside of Manila—almost two hours every day. I couldn’t be away from my parents. I could also count the number of times I ate out by myself. Now, I do it all the time.”

What she likes most about being single is the freedom. “I don’t have to ask anyone for permission to do things. My married friends — even if their husbands are not the strict type — they can’t just pack up and leave. They have to think about the husband and the kids.”

Of course, the converse is also true. If she wants to travel, she does not have a ready travel companion even if she has a lot of single friends. “With single friends, it’s so hard to match schedules because we’re all so busy. Unlike if I had a partner, I would have an instant companion.”

The sex—or absence of it—isn’t so much of an issue with her. She kind of missed it but now says she’s “just over it.”

Seeing women younger than her and women her age sometimes makes Elizabeth reflect on her life.

Elizabeth partied herself out in her 30s. She and her friends were at clubs every weekend and sometimes even during the week. “Wala nang uwian yun kapag lalabas kami ng weekday (There was no going home if we went out on a weekday)!”

They befriended one of the guards who would allow them to crash early morning in the office and sleep on the couch in the executive lounge.

“We would wake up at around 5:30 or so to fix everything like nothing happened. I would have a change of clothes with me or someone would lend me a fresh shirt. Taking a ‘shower’ meant using a bidet in one of the bathrooms that had a bidet. Para-paraan lang! [You just have to find a way],” she laughs loudly thinking about those glory days.

“There was no FOMO (fear of missing out) for me. Sometimes I look at the 20somethings now and all they want to do is have coffee with friends. I want to ask them: Are you sure that’s all you want to do? Don’t you want to party all night? You won’t be able to do that when you get older – your body won’t let you,” she said.

On the other hand, when she sees people with their kids, she sometimes feels wistful. She’s learned not to wallow in it. “I’m so pre-occupied with work issues. I’m more happy being single than being in a relationship.”

Elizabeth is clear about what she wants and doesn’t want. She does not want children. She does not want to fall into the trap of being “desperate” for a relationship. She does not want to be in a relationship or have a child just so she won’t be lonely. If love comes, it will come but till then,

Elizabeth is content with the life choices she has made.

“Just remember to take care of your parents and stay in touch with your friends. Know that a relationship does not define you. Being in a relationship isn’t for everyone. It’s as simple as that. Lastly, find happiness in whatever you have and whatever state of mind and life you’re in.” – Rappler.com