[Two Pronged] From Tinder hookup to… something more?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I’m writing to ask advice on the current situation I’m in. I met a guy while I was on a one week vacation in Russia. We met on Tinder, hooked up the first night, and we went out thrice during the one week that I was there. We talked all week, and I was honestly expecting the affair to stop as soon as I got back.

I’ve been back a couple of weeks now, and we haven’t stopped chatting ever since. We sext a lot, and I usually send him naughty content. He talks a lot about wanting to fuck me again, but has not expressed the want for me to visit him or him to visit me. I tried to sneakily open it, I remember my exact words being “so what should we do about our intense want to fuck each other again,” to which he replied “do what??”

I changed the subject after that response. I fear that he’s only in it for the nude content I send.

We do have lovely conversations sometimes, and it’s always him asking about my day and messaging first, but why do I feel like he’s only after my nudes? Or am I being impatient? We haven’t stopped chatting since we met but I don’t know if he’s interested in seeing me again. 

Best,

XXX

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Dear XXX,

Thank you for your email outlining your visit to Russia, your Tinder encounter with “Igor” and the aftermath once you returned home.

Perhaps we can consider your relationship with Igor in two separate phases: the first in Russia and the second as a long distance relationship (LDR). The Russian phase seems to have gone well, even exceeded your expectations, but you state that you thought it would end when you left for home.

However, Igor maintained contact, there was a lot of chatting and sexting, and you sent him naughty content (it is not clear if he reciprocated). Amidst all this plus heartfelt, or maybe just loinfelt, desire to f**k each other again you began to consider meeting up again but your subtle hints failed to elicit the response you wanted. Now you don’t know if he wants to see you again.

It seems that you have a number of options.

First, you ask him point blank if he wants to meet up. This has the merit of clarifying the situation but opens up the possibility that he says no. Obviously, you also need to decide in advance what you want to do if he says no — end the relationship or carry on presuming he is also willing to do so.

Second, you continue the current level of engagement, perhaps with the occasional hint about meeting, and see where that leads. Third, you give up any hope of meeting again and see how that affects your virtual connection. Fourth, you pull the plug on a relationship going nowhere.

There may be other options but at least these will hopefully have given you something to mull over.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear XXX,

Thank you very much for your letter.

Also, thank you for expressing yourself the way you do: succinct, if no need to elaborate, and “elaborately” if details are warranted [example: “so what should we do about our intense want to fuck each other again” ] your courage, the brutal honesty with which you view yourself, the logical (even if painful) interpretation of what his behavior probably means and thus the conclusions you fear are inevitable if you accurately lay out your behavior and his responses to them, his behavior and your responses to them.

First of all, you and I could both be wrong, ok?

Maybe his English is not as good as yours? Thus maybe just maybe, he felt some of your questions especially your more straightforward “so what should we do about our intense want to fuck each other again?” were merely flirtatious and didn’t need a serious answer? But like you, I doubt that. Just thought I’d throw it out there anyway.

I think it would be a good idea to consider the options (and others you may think of) that Mr. Baer laid out. It’s likely decisions made before and during this lockdown would be different. Having a fun but meaningless flirtation now would be more tempting than it would have been when more options were available.

According to a study in The Journal of Social Psychology (April 2018), compared to women, men: 1.) fall in love faster and 2.) express it faster. Men actually fall in love faster than women. My clinical experience confirms this, as does The Hite Report on Male Sexuality (1981).

Based on all three sources above, where men express love faster, it seems thing don’t auger too well for you, XXX.

Admittedly, you have not expressed desire for, or even an expectation of, love between you. However, it is obvious you do not want just a quick f**k encouraged/inflamed by all your nude pictures, but something deeper, something intimate, rather than merely convenient.

My feeling is that your “suspicion” (that he is happy the way things are) is correct – so don’t hold your breath for something deeper.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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