[Two Pronged] Masturbating grandchild

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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'Is this normal for a girl of her age? What should I do?' asks a concerned grandparent

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

Please help me solve this problem. I have a 5-year-old granddaughter whom I caught playing with her genitals twice already…what should I do? Is this normal for a girl of her age?

Alma

To enable us to answer you better, Please advise the following:

  • How you have responded so far when you find her masturbating
  • Are you the one looking after your grandchild
  • If her parents live with you
  • If you are looking after any other children.

The sooner you reply, the sooner we can answer you 

At first I pretended I didnt see her, then she just did it again this morning, that’s why I reprimanded her by asking who taught her, how did she know it, and even hit her. I live with her. She is the daughter of my daughter out of wedlock she is now working abroad. I am worried doc, please help me.

Dear Alma,

Thank you for your enquiry and for providing further information.

First, is this normal? Yes, it is perfectly normal and for all ages: infants, toddlers and beyond. Indeed male masturbation has even been detected in the womb. Many studies have been conducted since Alfred Kinsey reported over 60 years ago, based on a less than perfect sample, that 92% of men and 62% of women masturbated and more recent reports have shown slightly lower percentages. All of course rely on self-reporting so the old joke – 98 percent of men masturbate and the other 2 percent are lying – may yet be true.

Second, what should you do about it? Well, in today’s society while most people would agree that masturbation is not appropriate in all situations (for example, in public), there are multiple views on what is ok, what is not and where to draw the line. 

At one extreme you have those following a strict religious conviction that such actions lead to hellfire and damnation; at the other are those who take a relaxed view of what is in their opinion something that is just natural.

As for how to deal with the situation, education would seem the best way forward, whatever your views. If you are an adherent of the “not under any circumstances” approach, then you have to explain to the child why such an absolutist attitude is justified and how to deal with the desire that inevitably will arise. Any religious aspects are of course better discussed first with the cleric of your choice who as a total abstainer him/herself will no doubt have much wisdom to impart on the subject. 

If you take a more liberal approach, you may wish to explain that there is a time and place for everything and also that immediate self-gratification, whether it be for food, video games or other things including masturbation, has its limits and what those limits are. Education has to be age-appropriate of course, and you should take pains to revisit the subject with more adult advice when necessary. Please write again if you have further questions.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Alma:

Thank you for your letter and for being the kind of person who is willing to question her behavior, instead of merely rationalizing it.  You are worried if what you did – reprimanding and even hitting her – was the appropriate response to seeing her masturbate a second time. 

Your behavior might be considered extreme for psychologists familiar with scientific literature about young girls masturbating, but understandable for a grandmother who never thought such a thing possible.

Admittedly, it probably would’ve been better if you hadn’t hit her in the first place, but grandparents (and parents) could always have done something better when rearing their children. Rather than chastising yourself endlessly for what you did, you are seeking answers for how to do better next time. Surely one cannot ask anything more from anyone. 

To answer your first question, yes, it is normal for 5-year-old girls to masturbate, so please do not worry about that should you see her doing it again.

If you want to read something more scientific about this, Drs Susan Bradley, Mendelsohn, Tirosh and Berant, all wrote about “normal” girls who masturbated.  Dr Bradley authored a journal article “Childhood female masturbation” (Can Med Assoc J. 1985 May 15 132(10): 1165–1166); whereas the other three wrote about a girl as young as 7 months who masturbated

When Alexandra, my own daughter, was growing up, I found Bellybuttons Are Navelsby Mark Schoen(1990, Prometheus Books) and Whats the Big Secret? Talking About Sex with Girls and Boys by Laurie Krasny and Marc Brown (1997, Little, Brown and Company) really fun books to read with her. In addition to being fun to read, it also helped me segue into more “serious” discussions about anatomy, masturbation and privacy.   

I am sure there are more current books to read with children whom you love and hope to appropriately guide through life and maybe a look through amazon.com or, better yet, information from local publishers could help.

The most important thing is your spending enough time (fun – and not just lecturing – time) together, so that it becomes natural to be both as honest to, and open with, each other about anything she worries or is curious about.

I would start with apologizing about your overreaction to seeing her masturbate, then talk about private and public spaces. I might even joke about how masturbating in private is important because she might come across a woman even crazier than you who would behave even more awfully than you did. This might make it easier for her to hare her confusion and fear not only about the spanking, but about your asking who taught her all this, etc. 

But that doesn’t mean you have to start the way I would want to. Do what feels most natural to you. I feel, however, that it would be better to refer to your behavior so that any unfounded fears she may have about herself (is she abnormal? Are her genitals so awful?) or about your relationship (does Lola hate me? Is she taking care of me only because she’s forced to?) can be addressed. 

Your worrying if masturbation is normal for girls her age and even your overreaction to her doing it (and worrying about that too) are all signs that you truly care for her. They show your love for her is more important to you than your presenting yourself as a responsible grandmother. 

How wonderful of you, Alma, how wonderful for your daughter to know she can count on you, and, perhaps most important of all, how wonderful for your grandchild to have a Lola who loves her as much as you do. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

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