Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

Must a woman come during sex? My girlfriend and I always fight after sex when she doesn’t have an orgasm. But is that my fault? Please help.

Juan

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Dear Juan,

Thank you for your message.

There is plenty of evidence that a gender gap exists in orgasms between men and women during heterosexual sex.

There is also plenty of evidence that this is in part due to culture and part due to a failure to address biological realities.

Many people equate sex with penile vaginal penetration and regard other activities, such as oral sex, as optional extras. This definition serves men well since male orgasm is the result of

penile stimulation. Female orgasm, however, can in many cases require clitoral stimulation, something that penile vaginal penetration often fails to provide.

As for your question “Must a woman come during sex,” surely sex is one of those activities where there are no imperatives. Sex comes in many guises (loving sex, makeup sex, rough sex, etc.). Both motivation and the way people have sex can differ from one occasion to another.

Having said that, there are various scenarios that come to mind. There are men for whom their partner’s pleasure is not a consideration; they would answer no. There are men who are simply sexually naive; they would perhaps answer yes but leave their partner unsatisfied. There are women to whom orgasms are unknown and for whom sex is something they have to endure; they would just want it over as soon as possible. There are times occasionally when satisfying the man is the main purpose and an orgasm for the woman is an unlikely bonus, just as there are times when a man prolongs sex, and perhaps never orgasms, for the principal purpose of ensuring the best possible outcome for his partner.

All this is to say that there is no fixed rule except, hopefully, that the couple communicate their desires and try to ensure each other’s satisfaction. The man should be aware of what is required for his partner to orgasm. If he doesn’t know, he should ask and the woman should be prepared to guide him. This way, blame is not even an issue.

Best of luck,
JAF Baer

Dear John:

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr. Baer hit the nail on its head when answering your question  “Must a woman come during sex?” by saying, “Surely sex is one of those activities where there are no imperatives.” Many mental health professionals say sex is the only way adults can play (I disagree that it is the only way) but play implies a spontaneous, joyful, even frivolous activity. Monitoring whether you come and/or making sure your partner comes so you are not deemed a failure suggests a duty (and a rather onerous one) – definitely not play. 

However, the above implies your partner is wrong and you “correct.” That is a simplistic view because so many factors come into play. Dr. Basson, author of Female Sexual Response (2000), must have turned the scientific male world on its head when she proved something that women (and more sensitive males) knew instinctively and /or personally. Women do not come the way men do. 

Male sexual response is, generally, linear, as per Masters and Johnson. However, Masters and Johnson labeled this linear sexual response as the HUMAN sexual response, thus implying that women have a similar response as well: once desire sets in, arousal quickly follows, and then plateau (maybe), and then, definitely orgasm. Generally, women do not respond to sexual stimuli this way.

This is the reason women laugh uproariously to jokes like:

Q: How are golf and sex alike?
A: Because men think they’re better at both than they really are.

or…

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: Because men fake foreplay.

The above happens when men behave towards women the way they presume women are: like them, where continuous stimulation is usually enough to reach orgasm.

Dr. Basson proved, through her studies, that a woman’s sexual response is usually circular, where Stage 1 does not inevitably lead to Stage 2. Arousal does not necessarily follow desire; same for orgasm following arousal.  

In other words, for a woman, the physical focus of sex is not merely genital but sensual; desire doesn’t always come before sexual activity or even arousal; the well-being of and intimacy with, one’s partner is just as important as enough stimulation or staying power.

While it’s true that a Berkeley dissertation eons ago stated that women who take responsibility for their own orgasms (that is, not just lying back and relying solely on the man) usually have more of them, it is also true that her letting you know that it is unacceptable that she didn’t have one while having sex with you might be her taking responsibility for orgasms, especially if what she needs/wants is a response that is more intimate rather than merely sexually proficient.

Please let us know if this is sufficiently helpful and if not, maybe you – and, sana, your girlfriend too! – can write us again! 

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.