Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Mr. Baer and Dr. Holmes,

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for almost 10 years now.

When I say sexless, I mean we hardly get to complete the sexual act at all. Mostly just kissing, fondling. Because just when I expect the action to move to the next stage, my husband stops and usually apologizes because well, he just can’t perform.

I love my husband very much. And he has tried all sorts of remedies from pills to therapy. It worked once in the sense that you could probably say we got to third base. But the goal of a home run remains elusive. 

There’s a part of me that thinks I should just learn to be content with what I have. He’s a great husband in many ways. He’s a successful businessman, he’s handsome, he’s attentive to me, and he takes very good care of me. We make each other laugh and we enjoy being with each other. Everyone says we’re so
perfect for each other.

But there’s also a part of me that wonders if I’m missing out big time. I watch shows on Netflix and sometimes I watch a couple have hot sex and I start to have doubts about my marriage. So I just tell myself that sex is overrated and that it only seems great in movies but in real life, most couples have boring sex. Sometimes, that line of thinking works. Other times, I just feel this little bit of sadness that stays with me for a few days. 

I’m not really looking for hot sex. I would appreciate just sex.

But I don’t want to hurt my husband anymore by asking for something I know he can’t give no matter how many times he has tried. After all, I’ve lived for so long without it. Am I just convincing myself? Is there something else I can do to improve our situation or make these feelings go away?

Thank you.

M

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Dear M,

Thank you for your email.

Whether a marriage without sex is a marriage to terminate obviously depends on the attitudes to sex of the two people involved. In your case, 10 years without sex have been no problem apparently for your husband (let’s call him P) but increasingly a problem for you. The issue, however, is complicated by the fact that all the other aspects of your marriage are positive and so you are left wondering whether no sex is really sufficient cause to give up everything else.

I wonder, M, whether you might look at the situation through a different lens. There are perhaps two primary issues: your definition of sex and P’s willingness to express his love for you in a way that you appreciate.

You equate sex with penetration yet sex is so much more than that. You mention kissing and fondling so you are both already on the right track. Instead of overemphasis on penetration, what about oral sex, sex toys, etc.? Your sexual satisfaction does not depend solely on P’s erection and you can both find alternative ways to achieve the same goal without a penis.

It may sound unromantic to make these suggestions so baldly but if P (with your guidance) can redirect his efforts to expressing his love for you in slightly more imaginative ways, then perhaps he can become even more of “a great husband” and you can have sex back in your life.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear M:

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr. Baer, thank you too for clarifying that sex doesn’t need penetration and for actually giving specific (and thus helpful) suggestions on things M and her husband might like to try.

I am certain your husband could do a lot to resolve this issue, but since you were the one who wrote us, M, I will focus the rest of my letter on what you might do to address your mutual problem.

You ask: Am I just convincing myself?

I don’t think so. I think your concern is valid. True, when faced with an either-or situation – a wonderful marriage OR a chance to have good, penetrative, and yes, even HOT sex, many people over 30 would choose the former. However, what about an “AND” situation? Is it possible to have a wonderful marriage to a wonderful guy and still have good-not necessarily hot-sex? Generally speaking, yes! And thus, what you hope for is usually attainable.

Is there something else I can do to improve? Yes, but it may not be what you expect, ok?

We are not going into the physical aspects of sex, but following the old adage that “the most important sexual organ is not between your legs but that between your ears.”

Your letter and the fact that your husband apologizes when penetration does not happen implies that you both feel it is your husband’s “fault” when that “home run remains elusive” (I love the way you write, btw!). If that indeed, is the case, then it will be difficult to have a heart-to-heart without your husband, P, feeling defensive.

And a heart-to-heart is what you need: heart-to-heart with both parties opening up completely about what each truly wants and how each feels their spouse might respond to their desire. You cannot have this sort of conversation unless you both feel safe. I am sure you agree that if P feels mainly responsible for your now-sexless marriage, it would be difficult for him to be at ease when a conversation about it happens.

I am not blaming either of you for feeling the “fault” or the “lack” is his. This is the way most people would think. Yet, if what you want is a good sex life, this sort of attitude has to go.

Why is it so important about having heart-to-heart (and not just mind-to-mind) conversations like this? Because this is the only way intimacy can develop. This is the only way you can get to the true him and the true you, M. Oftentimes, people say they never really knew their true selves until they found someone with whom they could share their stories and their feelings in a no-holds-barred way.

This is just the start of the process, of course. If you write us again (or someone else does with a similar issue) we will both be willing to go further about the road to intimacy, good sex, and how to attain both without being unfaithful… especially after 10 years of marriage.

Good luck with this first step. I hope you will both welcome any surprises such a convo reveals, and I look forward to, perhaps, getting a follow-up letter from you.

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.