Love and Relationships

[Two Pronged] I want to confess my love and lust to my married officemate

Margarita Holmes, Jeremy Baer
[Two Pronged] I want to confess my love and lust to my married officemate
'Part of me doesn't want to ruin his family'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.


Hello Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I hope there is no judgment on my case. I am 27 years old and I like my officemate. I would do everything for a night with him (51 yrs old). I have this kink for daddies with big bellies, and he is my type. We are good friends. We often joke with each other, rubbing each other’s bellies, and I believe I have a chance with him. 

You should know he is married (his wife is around 48 years old) with two kids (one is 18 and the other is 21). He seems to be happy with his wife based on his posts on social media.

I want to confess my feelings to him. Even one night or moment with him will be fulfilling for me. But part of me doesn’t want to ruin his family. Let alone I would be outright rejected for being gay. I might be ridiculed in the process as well. He doesn’t know I am gay.

I tried having sex with other men, but my officemate still holds my heart (and lust). I hope you can give me sound advice.

Thank you very much
– Luke

P.S. I KNOW what I should do, morally speaking. I should pack my stuff and leave my officemate be.

But this is what I have been doing for the last four years, and it’s not making me feel better. I hope you can give me some advice that will help me improve the situation. 

———————-

Dear Luke,

Working in the same space as someone for whom you have feelings and not being free to act on those feelings is a tough position for anyone. 

It is not clear from your account whether your belief that you “have a chance with him” is simply based on wishful thinking. His Facebook page may advertise a blissful marriage, but as we all know, the internet is not a reliable source of accurate information, and anyway, many a gay man has cloaked his true orientation beneath a cloak of conventional heterosexual marriage, complete with pictures of cute children, etc.

If you truly have good reason to believe that you have a chance, then you have to weigh that also against your fear of rejection and ridicule. 

The subtext of your message seems to be that you want to play it safe. A middle course could be to reveal that you are gay and just see how he reacts. 

If in the end it is just too painful to carry on without any reciprocity on his part, the sensible thing to do would be to leave the company altogether, though of course this may seem a high price, perhaps too high a price, to pay.

Best of luck,
JAF Baer

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Dear Luke:

Thank you very much for your letter, especially for your P.S., which, in my opinion, most accurately encapsulates your dilemma.

In it, you say the moral thing to do is to NOT share your feelings with your officemate (let’s call him Miguel). Is that really what you think, Luke? Or could this simply be a vestige of some former homophobic teacher’s misinterpretation of the Bible?

I am not convinced telling Miguel your feelings would be immoral. You and Miguel are friends. Is not part of friendship’s beauty trusting each other enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable to each other? Knowing you are safe with Miguel because he will never purposely hurt or judge you is a gift only a true friend can give another.

He may not understand, but he will try to. I hope you will do the same thing for Miguel, especially if he at first seems uncomfortable – or even shocked – when you first share your feelings. Sharing your truth will be an opportunity for you both to grow even more.

Indeed, should his marriage deteriorate after your revelation, maybe that is also for the good? And perhaps, even, the sooner the better?

More to the point, despite your fears that telling him will ruin his family, in truth, you really have very little to do with it. It is his behavior, responses, and decisions that really matter. His, and hers. 

You asked for us to give you sound advice. I am very happy to give you advice which I hope is sound, though many will disagree with it, okay?  

It is always best to go with the truth – keeping such intense feelings to yourself, especially when you have been aching to share them with Miguel, is not healthy.  

However, please give Miguel as much leeway as you give yourself. He, too, will have feelings he will need to process. Should he decide he wants to remain a friend and nothing more, please, can you be as kind, gracious, and accepting as you hope he will be with you and your revelations? 

All the best,
MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.