Love and Relationships

[Two Pronged] My wife only wants a quickie when we have sex

Margarita Holmes, Jeremy Baer

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[Two Pronged] My wife only wants a quickie when we have sex

Nico Villarete/Rappler

'It’s been going on for the past three years. That’s why I masturbate more often.'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

Can I ask you a question? What is the best sexual position so a woman gets aroused the most quickly?

It’s about my wife. We only make love every two months. If we make love she wants a quickie. It’s been going on for the past three years. That’s why I masturbate more often.

Also, what should I do to make my masturbation more pleasurable? I don’t want to cheat on my wife, which is why I often masturbate.

Pls help me.

Dear Ivan,

Thank you for your message.

As in most of life, the more one knows about a problem, the better chance of solving it.

In your case, we don’t know your ages, how long you’ve been married, whether initially your wife (let’s call her Emma) was more passionate or has always been sexually indifferent, etc. Nevertheless, suffice it to say that when it comes to sexual ardor (or lack thereof), it is often the case that it takes two to tango.

A wife’s supposed disinterest may after all have less to do with her libido but more to do with her husband’s sexual ineptitude. 

As one old joke goes: 
Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? 
A: They don’t want to miss it.

Good sexual technique is of course not restricted to foreplay. A willingness to take into account one’s partner’s preferences and to put one’s partner’s gratification ahead of one’s own are some of the basic requirements of a good lover.

Of course there can instead be a simple disparity between respective sex drives. The cause of yours can only be established with more information, and couples therapy might be a good way to delve more deeply into this

Addressing your question about arousal, it is well documented that women require far more foreplay than men. As to positions, books like the Kama Sutra list dozens, and only experimentation will reveal which work best for you and Emma. The clitoral alignment technique (CAT) has proven very effective for many people while the Helicopter (aka Bumper Cars) position is only for advanced practitioners and the adventurous, not to mention fit and flexible.

As for masturbation, the internet abounds with advice. One such example is this, but again experimentation is the key because one man’s pleasure can be another’s pain.

To end on a positive note, it is admirable that you have eschewed options such as a mistress or commercial sex in favor of masturbation to bridge the ardor gap between Emma and yourself.

Best wishes,
JAF Baer

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Dear Ivan:

Thank you very much for your letter. Your letter is clear regarding what you want — information on how to make your wife enjoy sex enough she will want to do it more often and not insist (only) on quickies. If that doesn’t work, you want information on how to make masturbation more pleasurable.

Because your desires are all I know about you, I will do what many (but not all) psychologists do: conduct a content analysis of your letter. True, there is no guarantee that this content analysis will be accurate, but at least, it may generate some hypotheses which may be more useful, and certainly give you several things to think about.

Your first question is a bit off-putting. You ask: “What is the best sexual position so a woman gets aroused the most quickly?” This implies you want to know the sexual position, not because you want to give her pleasure, but simply as a means to an end. If she is aroused, she will be more willing to have sex with you, which is what you seem to want first and foremost.

It seems like her pleasure, but most of all, her feelings of being validated and/or loved by you don’t seem to matter that much to you. If they did, perhaps you would’ve asked her, instead of us, what sexual position she prefers, because when it comes to positions, and indeed, other matters involving sex, there is no one-size-fits-all. 

The best person to ask about what makes for the most exciting moves, the most exciting touch, etc. is the person you make love to.

Otherwise, it is nothing but mere theory. Admittedly, theory has its place, but for sex to be good, it has to be personal, it has to be intimate enough (yes, yes, even if it is a one-night stand) that the other person feels seen by you and appreciated.

If you hesitate to ask her directly, that in itself is a heads up that communication between you could be better – loads better. At this point in time, it doesn’t really matter who started what; what matters is that you both try your best to heal the chasm between you. 

I have a feeling that once you start talking you will find similar goals that are fun (and not just super serious) to work towards. These need not start with sex goals either. In fact, in my clinical experience, working first towards a non-sexual goal tends to be more successful. I think it has to do with your wife’s feeling that you are responding to her whole person, and not just her sexual self. 

“There are no frigid women, only clumsy men,” was an oft-quoted saying in the past, which was supposed to be true (it isn’t necessarily so) and has brought a smile to many women’s lips. Actually, the more accurate saying would be: “There are frigid women and there are clumsy men and they are usually married to each other.”

Sayang na sayang (It’s just too bad), dearest Ivan, if your pride or lack of courage keeps you from taking the first step. It may be the first step to making sure the unwilling wife and the clumsy (if only because over-eager) husband doesn’t describe your marriage.

Any step towards trying to bridge the chasm between you will be a welcome one.

All the best and good luck,
MG Holmes


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