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LONDON – Caveat lector. This article contains real and imagined Latin, baklese, Tagalog, medieval English and Ilocano. I will translate only when I feel like it. Google is your amicus.

And so it passed that in the first month of MMXII, the impeachment trials of the Republic caught up with this representation in the city of Londinium.

This is the second time I’m watching this kind of plenum. I’m still traumatized by the last one starring Josephus Ejercitus (requiescat impacho). That did not end well, as I recall. Sure we had EDSA III, but then we ended up with Gloria (mundi), who is now sic, though barred from transit.

Anyhow, I thought I’d give it a go. I viewed some clips, acquainted myself with the dramatis personae from both Houses of that duplex.

What on earth is this pabulum? I began to wish that tempus would indeed fugit around here. I swear this colloquium is taking in saecula secolorum. In baklese, or more accurately, baklatin: XLVIII anni (48 years).

I know it’s an important case but it does come at the expense of critical legislation. The way it is going, parang sayang lang ang sputum.

There they sit, in camera, all hamming it up for the, uh, camera. Puro naman non sequitur. Ganyan ba sila magsalita sa balur? “And whan that he wel dronken hadde the wyn/Than wolde he speke no word but Latyn.” (Nax, Chaucer yan.)

They think they’re the only ones who can speak in that codex? Isa-isahin nga natin ang mga lintex.

Lito Lapidus Kung wala kang matinong sasabihin, i-tecum mo na lang yang mga labia mo. Eto bente, bumili ka ng quo quo te. Next time you open your mouth, we will call the centurion. In other words, Guard!

Nihil Tupas, Romero Quimbus, Erin Tañadae, et al. Jus quo Dei, jus quo dai. If this lot is the best we have, orapronobis. Ad hoc ergo bugoc. Pro forma kayo, wala naman pala kayong ibubuga. Facta, non verba!

Josephus Joemer Perezius Here’s a conundrum: Why did you not talk to your witness before you let him ad testificandum? That was a mega erratum.

Seraphim Cuevas The comb-over looks like an extension of his dura mater. Brilliant, my ars. Scientia sine virtus is truly disastrus.

Karen Jimenus Et tu, Beauté? Signing the petition against the midnight appointment of your client and then turning into his spokesperson? You may be beauteous but right now you kinda look like Janus.

Miriam Santiagus Magisteria ma-hysteria. Explodes like Vesuvius. Maanghang pa sa capsicum ang mga dictum. Tigilan ang mga tantrum! Uminum ka ng laudanum, pampakalma yun.

Joker Arroyus Semper the joker. I don’t know what to expect anymore from this man. Acting like the Alpha Canis for the defense, is he Sirius? (Astronomy geeks, that was for you.)

And in case you haven’t heard, there’s his imbroglio with Conradus (de Quirus). Animus to the maximus!

The Cayetanums. Romulus and Remus, isdatchu? Tsk, tsk. Siblings in the senate. Is their genus that precius?

Vicentis Sotto Two words: Ludus tuber. Tuber= lump, ludus=school. Put them together= Iskul Bukol.

Juan Pontius Enrile Wait a minutiae. Wasn’t this guy a catulus of Marcus (Ferdinand, not Aurelius)? In Tagalog, tuta ni Macoy. How can we teach new tricks to this vetus canis? New tricks being integrity and justice. Uquis ti camatis.
    
Ferdinand Marcus The Younger The son of the rex of all tyrannosaurus sits as a judge in a court that shall make decisions on matters of corruption and the Constitution. Junaquis ng putix. I still don’t understand why voters elected him and his matrix.

Jinggoy Ejercitus Isa pa ito. He even has the chutzpah to speak in nomini of his patri. Hoy, your father was not “demonized”. His impeachment fell apart because of the antics of senators like you. And may I remind you, he was later found guilty by another court. So shut up and stop being a phallus.

Renatus Corona The scribes have uncovered the corpus delicti: colorum ang mga condominium, can’t explain his income per annum. And yet all these lawyers can’t nail his rectum. There is, indeed, a vas deferens between the law and justice. Requiescat, impakto.

This just in: his amici in the Supreme Court have issued a TRO against opening up his foreign accounts. Kundi ba naman mga switex!

Nemo iudex in causa sua. This I’ll spell out for their benefit: No man shall be a judge in his own cause. Capisce? Obviously not.

Your Honors, we know this democracy business is not simplex. Oo na, oo na. Dura lex, sed lex.  But the law should serve veritas, not Hudas, Barabas, Hestas.

Our patience is not as stretchy as latex or Spandex. If you’re not careful, there might be another uprising at EDSA all the way to NLEX. Our prayer is justice for omnibus Filipinus, not another shaft up our collective anus.

Finally, this representation wishes to state for the record: Pax you in toto. Pinasakit niyong lahat ang aking ulo.

One day, there will be a reckoning. In other words, mag-totus tuus din tayo.

Until then I need some aqua fortis. Or else I’ll go non compos mentis. I was going to use aqua vitae. But you know I can’t print the three-letter Tagalog word that ends in ae. – Rappler.com