Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I just want to ask questions about my husband. We have been together for around 10 years. He is asking me to date and have sex with other guys, especially foreigners. We have tried it already and he is satisfied seeing me being pleasured by other guys. Does he have a psychological problem?

Katya

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Dear Katya,

Thank you for your message.

Analysis of sexual behavior has, perhaps inevitably, been intertwined with morality and thus purely scientific and objective conclusions are often difficult to obtain.

Cuckoldry is one such example. The word cuckold is derived from cuckoo, the bird that lays its egg in another bird’s nest, hence a man whose wife has been unfaithful without the consent of her husband. The meaning evolved to include men who encourage their partners to have sex with other men. Another term used is hotwifing, but perhaps the most inclusive is wife-sharing.

This behavior was considered rare, possibly due to the absence of any research, but recent articles and studies indicate that it may be rather less so than previously thought. 

Indeed 2022 saw the first celebration of Cuckweek, which suggests that the old notion of cuckolds being weak and humiliated men unable to satisfy their wives is now only one of several modern definitions.

Dr David Ley, psychologist and author of Insatiable Wives: Women who Stray and the Men who Love Them, suggests that there are many possible motivations behind wife-sharing, including:

• Voyeurism (a progression from watching pornography)

• The thrill of the taboo

• Female empowerment (the wife’s increased independence)

• Female sexual fulfillment (when the wife has a greater sexual capacity)

• Masochism (humiliation of the husband)

• Misogyny (humiliation of the wife)

• Physical health issues (e.g. erectile dysfunction) 

and thus there can clearly be both positive and negative motivations for this behavior.

WHO defines the components of sexual health as honesty, safety, no exploitation, shared values, and mutuality. If a couple follow these and decide to wife-share, that can in some circumstances have a positive impact on their relationship.

As for your question – Does he have a psychological problem? – the answer may be clearer to you when you consider exactly what motivates your husband to suggest wife-sharing. You state that you have tried it already and it satisfies him, but you do not reveal your own attitude to wife-sharing. If the two of you have concurred after appropriate self-assessment, communication, accommodation, and negotiation, then there should be no problem. If not, then you both have a problem and need to address it.

All the best,
JAFBaer

Dear Katya:

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr Baer wrote an answer incorporating both a history of cuckolding and several different reasons for (and thus perspectives on) your husband’s request.

Among these reasons are only two that suggest benefits for the wife: 

• Female empowerment (the wife’s increased independence)

• Female sexual fulfillment (when the wife has a greater sexual capacity)

Your letter suggests that neither is a reason for your husband’s request that he watches while you have sex with other men, or a reason you agreed to doing it.

My hypothesis is that you agreed to do it for his sake, you did not enjoy it, and now you wonder whether he has a psychological disorder. The request probably seems so weird and far out. PLUS…it may have come from out of the blue!

Whether he has a psychological problem will require, at the very least, “in-depth” interviewing, and perhaps administering psychological tests to him.  Even then, the results are not guaranteed to be 100% accurate.

My hypothesis (and if you disagree, it’s very okay to stop reading) is that you are asking about the possibility of his having a psychological disorder because this may be “ammunition” for you to refuse a second request.

If that, indeed, is true, then I have good news! Your refusal need not be based on science or evidence-backed data to be convincing…convincing to you, that is. If your husband has convinced himself that asking this of you is okay, there is little likelihood he will be “convinced” by an advice column.

However, it is you I am concerned about, not him.  

As Mr. Baer stated, WHO defines the components of sexual health as honesty, safety, no exploitation, shared values, and mutuality.   

These components could also define what a healthy relationship has.  If your husband has not told you the real reason for his request, then, “Why now? After 10 years?” However, even if he has been honest, you need not accede to whatever his needs or desires are. You have your own needs and desires and these are paramount. For example, if one of your needs is to feel safe in every sexual encounter (a very healthy need indeed!) and sleeping with men you barely know makes you feel unsafe (a perfectly understandable feeling that an overwhelming majority of women share) or exploited, say no.

Then, there are shared values.  You may have had shared values before and perhaps have many shared values even now, but this doesn’t seem like one of them.  It is important that you honestly share what you feel about sex, especially this sexual behavior (adventure?) he proposed and you once agreed to. Tell him – and tell him honestly – how you feel about continuing to do this.

Finally, there is mutuality. Mutuality is about knowing that both people have needs and that both sets of needs matter. “With mutuality, you’ll be able to convey your own needs in a clear direct fashion; that increases the likelihood you’ll get them met.” That is what Dr. Joanne Davila,  a professor of psychology and the director of clinical training at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, New York, contends in a TEDxSBU talk. 

HOWEVER, since mutuality is also about ensuring your partner’s needs are addressed, your need not to have sex with men who are okay with your husband watching the two of you doing it is as important (at the very least, to his need of watching you). And your needs trump his, at least, where this behavior is concerned. 

Anyone’s needs for safety, self respect, integrity, and validation trump anyone else’s for sexual gratification.

Dearest Katya, I hope this column has helped you in some small way, even if only to help you ask more questions to enable you to decide what to do or NOT do. Please, please write us again if you feel we can help you clarify other issues. 

All the very best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.