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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Margie and Mr Baer:
Please help me with my problem. I am married with young kids. I love my husband and I get jealous over his past girlfriends and current close friends. But I’ve been having a certain problem since I was young. I am aroused by seeing certain sexy celebrities, and I “release” through masturbation. Up to now, I still feel it and do it especially when we fight. But actually, I still feel it and do it even if we are okay.
I love our lovemaking. I orgasm several times but I don’t “finish” like how I finish when I masturbate. I have told my husband about this in general. I explained that I have read in Google about being a heteroromantic bisexual – bisexual sexually, but romantically, I only like men.
He does not like it when I masturbate. I also want to stop but a part of me says it is who I am. What should I do please? Please help me. Thank you so much in advance!
Thank you for your email.
Several columns recently have dealt with fantasies and the conclusion reached is that they are generally benign so long as they remain just fantasies. This applies in your instance too, Ana, whether you are a heteroromantic bisexual or indeed anything else.
On the subject of masturbation, it is frequently the case that the quality of orgasms through masturbation is both different and can be more intense than via intercourse. This is partly because the two processes are dissimilar and partly because no one knows their own body better and how to extract pleasure from it than its owner.
You say that you want to stop masturbating yet think it is who you are. Certainly the latter proposition holds true; as they say, nearly everybody does it and those that deny it are lying!
You don’t say why you want to stop and perhaps that merits further thought. If it is just because your husband doesn’t like it, then do it when he is not around or asleep. If it is for some religious reason,
then this agnostic suggests you discuss the matter with a spiritual adviser. Otherwise, go right ahead since it is in no way harmful as you have described it.
Best of luck,
Thank you very much for your letter. Please forgive me for being completely frank and perhaps even a tad judgmental, but I can’t help feeling you have no problem except for your husband (let’s call him Ed) accepting who you truly are. Analyzing it more deeply, Ana, surely you can see that this is more his problem than yours.
You started fantasizing about females at a young age and still do. Part of you feels you should stop this; but then an even greater part of you says: “Why ba? It is who I am.” If your concept of spirituality is why you want to stop masturbating, can you really imagine that your concept of God begrudges your doing something that is part of who you are?!!? What a mababaw sort of person (superficial) s/he would be if s/he begrudged you such a simple yet clearly enjoyable activity, diba?
Here are a few statistics you might share with Ed to show that you are like most women and he is like most men.
In a study of 2,000 women, more achieved their best orgasms through masturbation compared to those who have full intercourse. Could the fact that women take an average of 14 minutes during partnered sex to orgasm, and an average of eight minutes to orgasm during masturbation, have something to do with it? In addition, a 2017 article in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy confirms that only 18.4% of women orgasm while having sex with their male partners.
But much more important than mere statistics is you and how you feel about him.
You love your husband, enjoy having sex with him, and there is nothing to suggest you plan to leave him or even have sex with anyone else. You also have wonderful orgasms with him. What a gift that is, for you and for your husband, a gift that less than 20% of couples are blessed enough to enjoy!
However (sigh)…IF that is not enough for him and IF, like a half-glass empty kind of guy, he chooses to focus on the more intense orgasms you get when you masturbate, all I can do is repeat what Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd, professor of biology at Indiana University, wrote in her book The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution: “Men are the ones who reflect back immediately to the woman whether or not she is adequate sexually.”
This seems to be what Ed is doing when it would be kinder, more loving, and more realistic to listen to bisexual heteromantic lovely you and relish the fact that you are, indeed, who you say you are.
All the best and hoping that more pleasure and joy come your way,
Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to firstname.lastname@example.org.