Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

---

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

Commenting on your June 21 column.

It isn’t just a generational gap — personalities differ in how to address potential areas of conflict. 

The daughter is more open and describes herself as “intense;” she wants to “know” her parents more. Her parents want to avoid direct conflict and difficult topics — they are not comfortable with open discussions of feelings/past hurts, afraid that it would open wounds that only have superficially scabbed. They are also afraid “intense discussions” will lead to conflict and loss of a relationship not only with the daughter but with the grandchildren. 

The daughter needs to understand why she is trying to probe — is she seeking an apology for past hurts to avoid future ones, or is she using getting to know her parents as a venue to air past grievances? If she needs to vent, then perhaps she can find a private time with them and say, Mom and Dad, I would like to talk about…because I still feel hurt/angry/confused and I want to understand your reasons so we can avoid/minimize this problem in the future. And she should listen not just to their verbal answers but their non-verbal ones. If they get upset or unable to respond, then she should leave well alone.

Vivien

——————————

Dear Vivien,

Thank you for your comments.

I totally agree that Wistful Daughter needs to analyze why she has this desire to know her parents better. As you suggest, she may indeed be seeking an apology for past perceived wrongs or a venue to air her grievances. Alternatively, she may simply want to understand why her parents brought her up a certain way in order to avoid making the same “mistakes” and thus to be a better parent. Or there could be many other reasons.

Whatever her motivation, she needs to understand what it is, so that she can engage her parents effectively in the first place and ask the right questions if the situation permits. She also needs to analyze her parents’ situation and anticipate their typical responses so that she can develop a strategy to try to penetrate their defenses without frightening them off. As Dr. Holmes said in our previous column, her parents may indeed be suffering from some trauma themselves, perhaps from their own childhood, and having not resolved this be totally opposed to opening up old wounds.

There is no guarantee that WD can succeed in deepening the relationship. Elderly parents are not generally great proponents of change and WD’s have lived their lives without the luxury/burden of adult conversation on weighty and intensely personal subjects with their children, even now that they are adults themselves. They do not see this as being within their remit as parents and are unlikely to change this view at such a late hour. If they remain obdurate despite WD’s every effort, she needs to reconcile herself to the status quo and simply enjoy their company while she can.

Thank you for writing,
JAF Baer

Dear Dr. Abad:

Thank you very very much for your letter.  What a great honor it is to have THE Vivien Abad, fashionista, brilliant social commentator, and clinical associate professor at Stanford to comment on our column.  

You are absolutely right; it isn’t only the generation gap. However, studies have consistently shown that said gap has a lot to do with how both adult children and their parents view (potential) intimacy between them differently. 

As Karen Fingerman writes: “Parents tend to hold a more positive view of the parent-child tie than do their offspring.  By contrast adult children are occupied by their own affairs and their relationship with ties to their children; their parents may not take center stage.”

In that sense, WD is an outlier, wishing she were closer to her parents than her parents seem to want to be. But she is not necessarily a selfish person for wanting more intimacy with them. That she not only realizes and admits she’s intense shows a readiness to be gentle, and “less demanding” towards her parents even if her parents don’t view it that way.

I hypothesized the reason may be trauma, and you hypothesized discomfort/past hurts/fear but in the end; these are all just hypotheses. It is just as possible that they don’t have the language (and the practice) of being more open but would be delighted once they got the hang of it. 

Their being more intimate with their adult children would be a great boon to their all-around health. The Harvard Study of Adult Development (the longest ever development study in the world – 76 years and counting!!!) concludes – and I have never forgotten this – that by the time one is 50, this study can predict fairly accurately if one can live into their 80’s. The most important factor is not due to any biological markers like how low your cholesterol level is, how often you exercise, or how healthy your gut is. Rather, it is due to what sort of intimate relationships you have.

In our June 21, 2022 answers to WD, both Mr. Baer and myself encouraged WD to try and become closer. I particularly like Mr. Baer’s advice to “take tiny, almost stealthy (italics mine), steps towards broadening the conversation, perhaps always in the guise of seeking their advice.”

However, I am sorry (though do not totally disagree) about his rather pessimistic view in his last paragraph that her parents are “unlikely to change this view at such a late hour.”

In his book Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life From the Landmark Harvard Study of Adult Development (Boston, Little, Brown and Company, 2002), Dr. George Valliant emphasized his belief that adult character development is not set in concrete (especially because) “poor development is associated with either alcoholism or major depression.” He wisely points out that life is a paradox of change and conformity, destroying the myth that early childhood conflict haunts us forever. In other words, the past may predict but never determines old age. “Life can be disturbingly wonderful.”

But I digress. The point is as you yourself wrote: “WD should listen not just to their verbal answers but their non-verbal ones. If they get upset or unable to respond, then she should leave well alone.” I hope WD takes your advice to heart.

My very best wishes and thanks,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.